Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Life... One Box at a Time

As I'm preparing for this move, I keep stumbling over the decisions I have to make. Do I take it with me, or do I put it into storage, where I may not see it for up to a year. I never realized how much I've taken for granted. For me these aren't just things. They are memories, tokens of our relationship, gifts, and evidence of our life together.

I put my belly cast in a box for the second time. The first time was a little easier, because I knew that I would see it again in just a few weeks. This time was a little harder for me. To anyone but Tim or I, it's nothing but a misshapen hunk of plaster.


To us, it is a tangible memory of my pregnancy with I. It is a perfect likeness of my body at that time. Each time I see it, I'm reminded of those last weeks of the pregnancy when I couldn't wait for it to be over, but when I also wanted it to last just a little longer. I selfishly wanted to keep her all to myself just a little bit longer. So long as she was in my belly, I was the only one who could really touch her.

Then there's this picture.


What do you say about that? Really. It's just J and who he is, who he has always been. He's this little lump of happiness. But that picture brings back a flood of memories from a phenomenal family trip. The day after that picture was taken, we had our 3D ultrasound and found out for certain that Miss I, really was a Miss and not a Mr.


So it's not just things I'm packing up. They may be just things to most people, but to me they are little bits of my life. Granted I do have some things that are just things, but not as many things as memories. I have 'things' from all over the world. Things that Tim bought because they reminded him of me. Things he thought I would love. Things my children have made for me.

So here I am. Packing my life away... one box at a time. One memory at a time. What if I don't think about these things when I can't see the tangible evidence of them. The trips, the holidays, the laughs, the tears... our life together. I'm heading off into the abyss alone. Tim and I will be separated for at least 7 months, but possibly up to a year. I just feel like I need those things to be able to hold on to the memories.

The absolute worst hit me a little while ago, when I realized Tim's side of the dresser was empty. His side of the closet is empty. He's packed up his 'can't live without stuff' and gone off into his own abyss. He hasn't even been gone 48 hours yet, but we're both already feeling the void. The loneliness. There is a big empty spot in my day. He won't walk through that door after work again. By the time he gets back, he will be here long enough to help me finish loading things up, and then we'll take our cross country roadtrip to my next destination, the abyss. Where I will have to figure out how to stumble through my days without him.

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