Monday, March 16, 2009

Two Parallels That Never Intersect

This has been on my mind a lot lately. Am I a good mother. People constantly tell me I am a good mother but if you ask me... I guess my answer would be "To which kid?"

This whole parenting gig is a lot easier with J and I. They are easy. They are my textbook children. They develop and learn things in the order the book says they should. Often, if I have a question about them, I can ask another mom to get the perfect answer. J & I are easy kids. It's easy to be their mom and I usually know the answers and know how to 'do it'.

C is another story. A lot of times I don't feel like I've been a good mom to him. I don't feel like I really even know him. He has never been a textbook kid. I've never been able to turn to books or other moms regarding him. I love him to pieces. It isn't a question of whether I love him or not. It's a question of how do I be a 'good' mom for him? With C I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions and methods. It's frustrating.

Like we are traveling on paths perfectly parallel to each other. We're always there, side by side, as we go through our day to day lives. But our paths never really come together. He's always so close that I think maybe I can finally reach him, but he's just always a hair away. There is always that little something that makes him harder to reach.

Which means I spend a lot of time wondering if C knows how much he means to me. I tell him all the time, but he doesn't hear me. Almost like we are speaking different languages and while he hears the words, he doesn't understand or feel them. So C is always right there... right next to me. It always seems like, soon, I'll be able to reach out and then I'll connect with him. But 'soon' never gets here. Tomorrow he'll be just as close... but just as far away.

1 comment:

  1. :) I don't have any words for you, but I hope one day you can bridge that gap.